im supposed to be working, but i'm taking part in the big "no-no" that is free-for-all-web-surfing. and oh look i stumbled upon my own blog. hopefully the repercussions are not too bad. although maybe i am purposely trying to get into trouble. hehe
im at a real life loss for words today. i know what you're thinking, you're blogging, how is that a loss for words? well. i guess it is just that i am out of words to SPEAK not think/type/blog. I am so far behind in all areas of life these days and i really have nobody to blame but myself. HOWEVER, it bothers me IMMENSELY when people who have limited knowledge of my life and situation have more than two cents to say about what i do with my life. the worst is when it comes from someone you love.
I got into a conversation with a close friend about all of these things a few days ago when it came up that i went to great america on monday, the day before my interview. Apparently I spend too much time doing nothing or things that won't get me anywhere. I have become selfish and never make sacrifices for anyone but myself. Im lazy and need to get my act together.
I sat there stunned and speechless. What do you say to that?
Needless to say i quickly ended the conversation. Flustered and shocked by the whole thing. I was driving home at the time and the closer I got to home the more unnerved i became. I was completely blindsided and as each second passed i felt like i had been runover by a cement truck, then walked all over by a herd of cattle.
I work six to seven days a week. i work hours when everyone is out playing and enjoying their weekends. I work on holidays, I miss time with my family, my dog, my friends. I do not spend my time as leisurely as you may think. Sure I have a few hours off in the afternoons and normally i spend it paying bills, working out, doing laundry and walking the dog. I do not get to go away for the weekend, i do not get to go out for drinks with friends and catch up. For crying out loud I can't even sign up my dog up for an obedience class because my schedule will not permit it. All this means that the days i do have off are spent enjoying myself. doing what makes me happy. how dare someone judge that.
Honestly, don't read this as a complaint about how "terrible" my life is. because frankly, its not. i just find it unfair to be judged when i work my ass off to "just make it." I take credit for not being where it is i want to be emotionally, professionally, socially, mentally. I can't blame anyone but myself for being too scared to break up with P or too nervous to be honest with myself about my career, (or too comfortable w/both of these) or too nice to move out of the place im living and back home to save money or too lazy to finish remodling my bathroom. I will say however, that I have not felt myself in a long time. Two years, if you want to be specific. Post-college my life was turned literally upside down and I coped with it for awhile, but really, I didn't give myself the time that I needed. Instead I jumped into work, moved out of state, and on my own and merely covered up something that needed to be fixed. there i go making excuses. still everything suffers.
This friend called yesterday three times. I can't find it to call them back, but the whole situation has been eating at me.
If someone said this to you, how would you react? advice, anyone?
updates on that interview next time.
*although deep down we know that not everyone is put together. who judges that anyway?
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5 comments:
I had a friend who suddently started to think that they knew better what was best for me than I did. It really started to drag me down. I ended the friendship. I decided that I'd rather be surrounded by positive people who are encouraging and supporting me in my life.
I would be totally floored and upset about what she said.
At the same time, and this is not an excuse, but maybe she was just having a really bad day and now feels really bad about it? The fact that she's called three time since suggests that... Not that that is an excuse at ALL!!
i dont think its something worth ending a friendship about.
and it was a he
I find that 95 percent of the time I am doing exactly what I should be doing at work-working. The thing is, my boss usually chose to poke her head in during that 5 percent of the time when I was 'slacking'.
I very much identify with this post because I have "Friends" who constantly make me feel like a slacker simply because I'm not working a traditional job. I guess it just goes to show that no one ever really knows us as well as we know ourselves. And no one will ever really appreciate our daily struggles OR our daily joys quite like we will. I wish I were also in Chicago because right now I would suggest that we go grab a drink. :)
a coupla things:
1. How dare he!!
2. Knowing how men think, he probably honestly thought he was being helpful.
3. It was not helpful, it was painful. Like ripping off a scab when you want to speed healing.
4. It's good advice that simple girl gave to surround yourself by positive people who are encouraging and supportive.
5. You can give him the opportunity to understand his gaffe. Are you comfortable talking or writing to him about it?
If it were me, I might say (maybe write) that the more I processed his words, the more hurt I was by them. That I needed his friendship and support and not his judgement or criticism.
6. You don't need to justify that you are in a place where you work damn hard and may not be where you want to be. Life for lots of people is not smooth after college. It took me a decade, for christ's sake. My job now is awesome and makes up for that lost time. Chances are you will find nirvana much sooner than I did.
7. I'm sorry this hurt. I feel protective that one of my blogging buddies was blindsided by someone's lack of tact.
8. This didn't make sense to me until like last week, but someone once told me that I need to "teach people how to treat me." meaning to let them know when I'm hurt, and if it happens too often, evaluate things -- like am I being too tolerant, do I not think highly of myself, is this friendship uplifting or make me feel bad about myself?
Lots of gaffs can happen completely innocently. I myself have hurt other people's feelings by accident so it could be that he didn't realize how it sounded.
9. hugs. hope you feel better. Let us know how this turned out.
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